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Tupperware party |
One evening after dinner, a five-year-old son noticed that his mother had gone out and he asked, "Where did mommy go?"
In answer to his questions, he was told him, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party."
This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled, he asked, "What's a Tupperware party, Dad?"
The man had always given my son honest answers, so he figured a simple explanation would be the best approach. "Well, son," he said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of
ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other."
He nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime.
Then he burst into laughter. "Come on, Dad," he said. "What is it really?" |
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Car Sale |
Judi tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles.
One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon. Her friend told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied Judi, "if only I can sell the car."
"Okay," said Judi's friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."
The following weekend, Judi made the trip to the mechanic. Two weeks later the friend asked Judi, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied Judi, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!" |
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A Woman Goes Into The Local Newspaper Office To See... |
| A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that theobituary for her recently deceased husband is published. Afterthe editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50cents a word, she pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then,let it read 'Fred Brown died'." Confounded at the woman's thrift, the editor stammers that thereis a 7-word minimum for all obituaries. The woman pauses again,counts on her fingers and replies, "In that case, 'Fred Browndied: 1983 Pick-up for sale'." |
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Women - Remarks for High Stress Days |
1. You - Off my planet
2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
3. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
4. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
5. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
6. I 'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for over 30 years.
7. Allow me to introduce my selves.
8. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
9. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
10. I'm just working here until a good fast-food job opens up.
11. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
12. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep.
13. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
14. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
15. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
16. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
17. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
18. Chaos, panic, and disorder- my work here is done.
19. Earth is full. Go home.
20. Is it time for your medication or mine?
21. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
22. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert. |
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Women's Profound Sayings |
| Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing ... and then they marry him!
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck? |
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Male or Female |
| From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns, and readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reason.
The best submissions:
SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
TIRE: Male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
MAGIC 8 BALL: Male, because it gives monosyllabic answers that usually
indicate it did not pay attention to your question.
WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on.
SHOE: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER: Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick up people.
REMOTE CONTROL: Female...Ha!...you thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
CRITIC: Female, What, this needs to be explained? |
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Things Only Women Understand |
10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.
9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.
8. Crying can be fun.
7. FAT CLOTHES.
6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.
5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.
4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.
2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND:
1. OTHER WOMEN! |
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An hour late |
Wee Hughie came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. " What's the story this time. Hughie ? " he asked sarcastically. " Let's hear a good excuse for a change.
" Wee Hughie sighed, " Everything went wrong this morning. The wife decided to drive me to the harbour. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the ferry didn't turn up.
Rather than let you down, I swam across the river, ran over the mountain, borrowed a bicycle and cycled the 20 miles through the glen to this office. "
You'll have to do better than that. Hughie, " said his boss, disappointed. " No woman can be ready in ten minutes." |
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Are You Going To Take Her? |
| Friend: Vern, are you going to take your wife Alice on your next cruise?Vern: Yes, indeed. I just can't leave her behind alone. |
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The CIA was recruiting for a top secret assignment... |
| The CIA was recruiting for a top secret assignment.
They weredown to three recruits, two men and one woman.
Only one couldget the position.
As a final test each recruit was led down ahallway to a large gray door.
The CIA agents say to the firstman, "We need to know that you will do whatever we sayregardless of the circumstances.
Take this gun, go into thisroom and kill your wife".
A look of shock comes over the man'sface.
He says, "I can't kill my wife.
I just can't do it.
Iguess I'm not the man for this job".
"No, you're not", agreethe agents, "You're free to go".
They bring the second man to the door and say, "We need to knowthat you will do whatever we say regardless of the circumstances.Take this gun, go into this room and kill your wife".
The mantakes the gun and goes into the room.
The room is silent andafter five minutes the man opens the door, tears streaming downhis face.
"I tried," he says, "but I just couldn't do it.
I can'tkill my wife".
The agents let him leave.
They bring the woman to the door and say, "We need to know thatyou will do whatever we say regardless of the circumstances.
Takethis gun, go into this room and kill your husband".
She takes thegun and before the door closes behind her, she shoots off all 13rounds emptying the gun.
The door closes behind her and for thenext five minutes the agents hear loud banging and grunting.
Thedoor finally opens, revealing the sweat-drenched woman.
She looksat both agents, wipes her brow and says, "Whew"
You guys didn'ttell me that the gun was filled with blanks - I had to beat him todeath with the chair!" |
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