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An hour late |
Wee Hughie came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. " What's the story this time. Hughie ? " he asked sarcastically. " Let's hear a good excuse for a change.
" Wee Hughie sighed, " Everything went wrong this morning. The wife decided to drive me to the harbour. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the ferry didn't turn up.
Rather than let you down, I swam across the river, ran over the mountain, borrowed a bicycle and cycled the 20 miles through the glen to this office. "
You'll have to do better than that. Hughie, " said his boss, disappointed. " No woman can be ready in ten minutes." |
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The CIA was recruiting for a top secret assignment... |
| The CIA was recruiting for a top secret assignment.
They weredown to three recruits, two men and one woman.
Only one couldget the position.
As a final test each recruit was led down ahallway to a large gray door.
The CIA agents say to the firstman, "We need to know that you will do whatever we sayregardless of the circumstances.
Take this gun, go into thisroom and kill your wife".
A look of shock comes over the man'sface.
He says, "I can't kill my wife.
I just can't do it.
Iguess I'm not the man for this job".
"No, you're not", agreethe agents, "You're free to go".
They bring the second man to the door and say, "We need to knowthat you will do whatever we say regardless of the circumstances.Take this gun, go into this room and kill your wife".
The mantakes the gun and goes into the room.
The room is silent andafter five minutes the man opens the door, tears streaming downhis face.
"I tried," he says, "but I just couldn't do it.
I can'tkill my wife".
The agents let him leave.
They bring the woman to the door and say, "We need to know thatyou will do whatever we say regardless of the circumstances.
Takethis gun, go into this room and kill your husband".
She takes thegun and before the door closes behind her, she shoots off all 13rounds emptying the gun.
The door closes behind her and for thenext five minutes the agents hear loud banging and grunting.
Thedoor finally opens, revealing the sweat-drenched woman.
She looksat both agents, wipes her brow and says, "Whew"
You guys didn'ttell me that the gun was filled with blanks - I had to beat him todeath with the chair!" |
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THE RULES (Alternate Set) |
1. The female always makes the rules.
2. The rules can change without notice.
3. Males can't know the rules.
4. If the female suspects that the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some of the rules.
5. The female never bears the blame for being wrong.
6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something that the male did or said which was wrong.
7. If rule 6 applies, the male must apologize for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The female can change her mind.
9. The male must never change his mind without the consent of the female.
10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The male must always remain calm unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The female must never let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. If the female has PMS, there are no rules.
14. The male cannot diagnose PMS. |
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The Ages Of Women |
1. Between the ages of 16 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.
2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.
3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored,
breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.
4. Between the ages of 46 and 56, she is like Europe, exhausted but still has
points of interest.
5. After 56 she is like Australia, everybody knows it''s down there but who gives
a damn? |
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General at a high society party |
| At a high society party, a General with his chest covered with medals said to an elegant lady: "Do you know, Madam, that women spend more money on toiletries than an entire army?"
"Yes, and they make more conquests too," she answered. |
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An American woman and an Iranian woman... |
| An American woman and an Iranian woman are in the supermarket.
The Iranian woman picks up two potatoes and says, "These remind me of my husband's testicles."
The American woman says, "That big?"
The Iranian woman says, No...that dirty." |
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Women's Profound Sayings |
| Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing ... and then they marry him!
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck? |
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Top 10 rejection lines by women! |
TOP 10 REJECTION LINES GIVEN BY WOMEN (and what they actually mean)
10. I think of you as a brother.. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
9. There's a slight difference in our ages.. (I don't want to do my dad)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.)
7. My life is too complicated right now.. I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
6. I've got a boyfriend .. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's)..
5. I don't date men where I work.. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)
4. It's not you, it's me.. (It's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career.. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I'm celibate.. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)
and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it really means)
1. Let's be friends.. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing.) |
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Woman & Cats |
| I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.
In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat. |
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Women Drivers! |
Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!!! It scared me (I'm a man) so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car usingmy knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!
WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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