Judi was walking by the jewelry store one day in the midtown mall. She saw a diamond bracelet that she really liked. In the store she went.

“Excuse me,� she said to the sales lady behind the counter, “Will a small deposit
hold that bracelet until my husband does something unforgivable?�

A girl says to a salesman, “I'm not sure if I should buy a sweatshirt or a windbreaker.�

He says, “Well, that depends. Are you gonna sweat, or are you gonna break wind?�

Somewhere around 60 years ago, according to Zeddie Gillenwater of Sumerco, a woman sold her tobacco crop and, with a stack of bills in her hand, headed off to the store to buy a good, wood-burning stove.

"We have several different makes and sizes," the clerk said. "About what BTU did you have in mind?"

"B-T-U?"

"Yes, ma'am. That's a unit of measure, a way to measure heat."

"Well, I don't know nothin' about B-T-U. All I want is a stove big enough to heat a B-U-T as big as a T-U-B."

A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, "Do you have any small note-books?"

"Sorry," says the manager. "We're all out."

The woman shrugs, and asks, "Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?"

"Nope, don't have that either," says the manager.

The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, "Do you have Doritos? Nachos?"

The manager shrugs, "Sorry."

"Hmmph. How about Chapstick?" says the woman.

"Nope. Don't have that."

"Wow!" the woman shouts, "If you don't have anything, you should close the stupid store!"

The manager shrugs, "Don't have the key."

My friend, the manager of a grocery store, nabbed a shoplifter in the act. He was escorting the suspect to the office in the front of the store (near the cash registers), when the shoplifter broke from his grip and tried to run.

After a scuffle, my friend pinned him against the wall and looked up to see a number of surprised customers staring at him.

"Everything's fine, Folks," he reassured them. "This guy just tried to go through the express line with more than ten items."

A man goes into his local building supply store and orders 10,000 bricks.

"May I ask what you're building?" asks the man behind the counter.

"It's going to be a barbecue."

"Wow, that's a lot of bricks for one barbecue."

"Not really. You see, I live on the 12th floor."

A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat. "This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and dad shop for me." The daughter nods in agreement. "And I think this fur coat would be perfect too."

The daughter protests, "But mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this."

"Don't worry honey," says the mother, "your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks."