An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.? As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer , he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

You’ll never have to endure those harrowing visits to the dentist again.

You’ll save a fortune on shampoo.

Your hernia operation will make you a star at the local pub.

You will look distinguished with your receding hairline, double chin and wrinkles.

You have survived the humiliation of middle age.

The preacher's Sunday sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies" She asked, "How many have forgiven your enemies?" About half held up their hands.

She repeated the question, now about 80% raised their hands. She repeated the question again, all raised their hands except one elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any" she responded.

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-three" she replied.

"Mrs. Jones, would you please come forward and explain to the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world."

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, and said:.................................................

"It's easy. I just outlived those bitches."

An elderly woman was looking for a pet to be a good companion and not much trouble.

The pet store owner suggested a parrot, showed it to her and guaranteed her it would be a wonderful companion.

The woman asked if it would behave if she took it to church with her on Sundays.

The owner said it shouldn't be a problem and that she could put him on her shoulder and he would stay there.

She bought the parrot and for the next week spent time getting to know him.

Assured that he spoke properly and was well behaved, she put him on her shoulder and went off to church.

Just as everyone quieted down and the sermon began, the parrot looked around, squawked and said, "It's goddamned cold in here!"

Everyone turned to look at her and she ran out of the church in total embarrassment! All the next week, she talked to the parrot explaining the necessity to remain quiet during church.

The parrot understood so she put him on her shoulder and went to church the following Sunday.

Once again, just as everything got quiet and the sermon began,the parrot squawked, looked around and loudly proclaimed, "It's goddamned cold in here!!"

And again the woman ran from the church. The next day she returned to the pet store and explained the embarrassing situation to the owner.

Since she didn't want to get rid of the parrot, the owner offered the following solution:

If the parrot does that again, grab him by the legs and swing him around 5 or 6 times and return him to your shoulder." "That'll work?" asked the woman. "Guaranteed!" exclaimed the owner.

So, the next Sunday she took the parrot to church and, sure enough, just as the sermon started, the parrot squawked, "It's goddamned cold in here!!" Without any hesitation, the woman grabbed his legs, swung him around 5 or 6 times and placed him back on her shoulder.

The parrot shook his head, ruffled his feathers and said, "Pretty fuckin' windy, too!"

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from

an evening worship service and was startled to find

an intruder in her house. Catching the man in the act

of burglarizing her home, she yelled, “STOP! Acts 2:38!�

(�Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name

of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.�)

As the burglar stopped dead in his tracks, the woman

calmly called the police and explained what she had

done. Shortly, several officers arrived and took the

man into custody. As he was placing the handcuffs on

the burglar, one of the officers asked, “Why did you

just stand there? All the lady did was mention a scripture

verse.�

“Scripture?� replied the burglar. “She said she had an

axe and two 38’s!�

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so

they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure

nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about

the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the

couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but

might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them

remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and

his wife asked, “Where are you going?�

He replied, “To the kitchen.�

She asked, “Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?�

He replied, “Sure.�

She then asked him, “Don’t you think you should write it down so you

can remember it?�

He said, “No, I can remember that.�

She then said, “Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You

had better write that down because I know you’ll forget that.�

He said, “I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with

strawberries.�

She replied, “Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you

will forget that so you better write it down.�

With irritation in his voice, he said, “I don’t need to write that

down! I can remember that.� He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a

plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and

said angrily:

“I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!�

Ain’t that the truth! When my grandmother was in her eighties, she

decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to

see her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she

was doing, so she gave him the litany of complaints — this hurts,

that’s stiff, I’m tireder and slower, etc., etc., etc. He responded

with, “Mrs. Weiss, you have to expect things to start deteriorating.

After all, who wants to live to 100?� My grandmother looked him

straight in the eye and replied, “Anyone who’s 99.�

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

They were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--and it's fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knock on the door. "Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . . "

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."

Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 50 or hovering over 50) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to be nice and conform to the fashions that the designers in NYC, California, and/or Paris inflict upon the world.

So I made a sincere study of the situation and here are the results. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together:

1. A nose ring and bifocals,

2. Spiked hair and bald spots,

3. A pierced tongue and dentures,

4. Miniskirts and support hose,

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads,

6. Speedos and cellulite,

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar,

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor,

9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge,

10. Bikinis and liver spots,

11. Short shorts and varicose veins,

12. In-line skates and a walker.