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In The News - Edited excerpts from the LA Times

Man spends lifetime using 38 different aliases

But Robert Fay Garcia's secrets are finally out. He was sentenced Thursday in San Diego federal court to 18 months in prison and ordered to pay $56,900 in restitution for collecting Social Security benefits using three identities.

He obtained one alias by claiming he was homeless, even though he lived in a mobile home, officials said.

Throughout his life, 70-year-old Garcia has used at least 38 names, posed as a retired Marine colonel and a former prisoner of war in Korea, said Jim Rogers, a special agent with the Office of Inspector General for the Social Security Administration.

"And those are the identities we know about," Rogers said. "He was never really who he said he was."

Garcia's first conviction involving an alias was in 1958 for forgery. In the 1960s and 1970s, he was in and out of prison on various charges including auto theft, prison escape and aggravated assault. In 1980, he was arrested for using counterfeit military documents, however, he did not appear in court for sentencing.

Garcia has used fake identities to secure many jobs, including security chief at a Laguna Hills hospital, a fire chief in Coachella, a fire captain in Del Mar and a senior accident investigator for the Orange County.

Garcia's latest downfall came last year, when his probation officer wondered why the ex-convict's car had license plates issued to veterans who had received combat awards, said Assistant U.S. Attorney Michael Wheat, the prosecutor in the case.

Garcia, who has been married several times, even duped his latest wife, who believed she had married a war hero.

Some funny news stories

• SYDNEY (Sydney Morning Herald, 02-15)
  A lawyer charged a woman client $26 (Australian) for opening and reading a Christmas card she had sent him. He billed her an additional $26 for calling and thanking her for sending him the card.

• ISTANBUL (Reuter, 02-11)
  Turkish thieves stole 210 pairs of shoes from outside the Vali Kamil Acun mosque, as Muslim worshipers were praying inside.

• BOGOTA (Reuters, 02-05)
  Six family members were stabbed to death by thieves who stole a clay piggy bank containing about $150 in coins.

Who says nothing interesting ever takes place in these hallowed halls?

The violence began when two members of the ruling Nationalist Party poked fun at opposition lawmaker Su Chih-yang after her underwear showed when she sat down.

Nationalist lawmaker Kuo Su-chun berated Su, saying "As a woman you should also review your own behavior."

Accusing Kuo of insinuating that she sat immodestly, Su walked to the podium and slapped her. Four other women joined the fracas, and a fifth collapsed from high blood pressure when she tried to stop it.

Vicious Rat killer

This man back east had a garden, and his tomatoes were being chewed on by a rat. So the man bought a trap and caught the rat.

He called the humane society to come and pick up the rat (instead of just killing it) and between the time of his phone call and the humane society arriving at his home, the rat tried to crawl out of it's cage. The man didn't want the rat escaping in his house, especially since his two grandchildren were there, so he took a stick and hit it 4 or 5 times, trying to get it back in the cage, and accidentally killed it.

Now here's the clincher... the humane society arrived, found out he killed the rat and issued him 2 tickets for cruelty to animals!

Can you believe this!? He did go to court and the judge threw out the case... so, valuable court time and our tax money was spent trying to convict a rat murderer!

Only in America....

The 8 Worst Convenience Foods

8. Meeter's Kraut Juice (Stokely USA): Yes, that's sauerkraut juice, which is even worse than it sounds. The taste and smell can be a bit, well, harsh, but KJ is reputed by its fans to have certain medicinal benefits (as a source of vitamin C, cure for intestinal bugs, etc.), which adds up to a classic case of the cure being worse than the disease.
7. Guycan Corned Mutton with Juices Added (Bedessee Imports): The best thing about this Uruguayan canned good is the very pouty-looking sheep on the package label -- he seems to be saying, "Go on, eat me already." The second-best thing is the presence of both "cooked mutton" and "mutton" in the ingredients listing, which would seem to have all the mutton bases covered.
6. Armour Pork Brains in Milk Gravy (Dial Corp.): If you're really looking to clog up those arteries in a hurry, you'll be pleased to learn that a single serving of pork brains has 1,170 percent of our recommended daily cholesterol intake. All the more ingenious, then, that the label on this product helpfully features a recipe for brains and scrambled eggs.
5. Sweet Sue Canned Whole Chicken (Sweet Sue Kitchens, Inc.): From its size (think growth-impaired Cornish hen) to its overall appearance (it's stewed in a quivering mass of aspic goop), this product may change forever your idea of what constitutes a chicken. Gives new meaning to the old line about meat "falling off the bone."
4. Musk Life Savers (Nestle Confectionery): You may think musk is a scent, but over in Australia, they think it's a candy flavor. A candy flavor that tastes disturbingly like raw meat, to be precise. But what did you expect from a country where eveyone happily consumes Vegemite?
3. Blind Robins Smoked Ocean Herring (recently discontinued by Bar Food Products): Possibly the world's most bizarre prepackaged tavern snack. Interestingly, the product's titular robin isn't actually blind, he's blindfolded -- the better, presumably, to avoid looking at these heavily salted herring strips, which look like giant slugs.
2. Kylmnen Reindeer Pate` (Kylmnen Oy): This Finnish canned good may not be particulary tasty, but at least it answers the age-old question of why Rudolph the Reindeer was so eager for that safe, steady job on Santa's sleigh team -- he didn't want to end up a cracker spread.
1. Tengu Clam Jerky (Tengu Co.): Nothing you've ever consumed can prepare you for the horror that is clam jerky. Still, this product does score a sort of conceptual coup: If you're the sort who's always found raw clams too slimy and gelatinous for your taste, these dried, shriveled mollusks will help you dislike clams on a whole new level.