This Flight instruction and her student were hold on the runway, awaiting clearance for take off from the tower, when suddenly, a deer darts out of the nearby wood, and stops right in the middle of the runway.
The student asks the instructor, what should he do? The Instruction replies, "What do you think you should?"
"Maybe I should taxi toward the deer?"
The instructor replies "Thats a good idea!"
Tower: "Cessna 100 clear for take-off" (taxis toward the deer, but the deer just stands there, holding postion)
The student repeats his question, and gets reply this time suggestion he contact the tower: "Tower, Cessna 100. There a deer here on the runway!"
Tower: "Roger 100, hold postion, Deer on Runway 50, cleared for immediate takeoff."
Two seconds later then deer takes off (back toward the woods).
Tower: "Cessna 100 cleared for take-off runway 50, caution wake tuburlece, departing deer!"
The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME; the author who introduces the story swears it's true.
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.
The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.
AGENT: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.
PIZZA MAN: And where would you like them delivered?
AGENT: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
PIZZA MAN: The psychiatric hospital?
AGENT: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
PIZZA MAN: You're an FBI agent?
AGENT: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
PIZZA MAN: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
AGENT: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
PIZZA MAN: And you say you're all FBI agents?
AGENT: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
PIZZA MAN: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
AGENT: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.
PIZZA MAN: How are you going to pay for all of this?
AGENT: I have my checkbook right here.
PIZZA MAN: And you're all FBI agents?
AGENT: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.
The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen.
Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.
When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. 'We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."
It was an awful winter at Valley Forge, and, realizing he had to do something to keep his men from freezing, General Washington decided to quarter as many as possible in the surrounding village.
Mustering the men, he set out. The first place they reached was a tailor's shop. Though the man had a family often, he said he would gladly make room for one soldier.
"All right," said the grateful general, "I ll leave you with Cox. He's the shortest man in the regiment and will inconvenience you the least."
Moving on through the bitter winds, the general came to what was obviously a brothel. Although his morality was offended by the thought of staying there, he knew the welfare of his men must come first. Thus, he rapped on the door.
When the madam arrived, General Washington doffed his hat and said, "My good woman, my troops need warm beds for the night. If there is any way you could accommodate us, it would be deeply appreciated."
Worried that the men would monopolize her girls, she said dubiously, "How many are you?"
KGB colonel Petrofiev calls srg. Iliushin into his office. "At your service, comrade colonel."
"Comrade Iliushin, go tell Ivan this is his last chance. Unless he tells us where the treasure is, I will kill his wife and his daughter, burn his fingers, pop out his eyes, cut his ears, smash his balls and when I get tired ot tormenting him I will give his heart to my dog."
Srg. Iliushin rushes to the dark cell where Ivan lays on the floor already beaten to death.
"Dear Ivan, I did everything I could but I'm affraid they are very determined and this is the last offer they are going to make. Either you tell them the place you keep the gold and they will set you free or they will kill your family, burn your fingers, pop out your eyes, smash your balls and when they get tired they'll make your heart dog-food."
Ivan half death, scared out of his pants and fearing for his family, whispers with a painful grin he keeps the gold under his tent.
The next moment Sgt. Iliushin rushes to Col. Petrofiev's office: "Comrade colonel, I ask your permision to report."
"Permsion granted. What did Ivan say?"
"Comrade colonel, excuse me, but he said to go fuck yourself."
And this is for a bonus:
The Annual Bartender's Conference has just voted the cocktail of the year: Vodka and Carrot Juice. The main argument was that when you get drunk at least you can see better.
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld's Suggested Military Cost-Cutting Measures
All major ground wars will be fought entirely by Tom Hanks and Steven Spielberg.
Combine Army and Navy into cost-effective super-force called the Narvmy.
Live out the new national advertising slogan: "Army of None." [TV spot will depict a driverless tank, meandering across battlefield, firing at random.]
In a compromise with bumper-sticker liberals, the nation's teachers will be forced to donate the proceeds of their bake-sales to the Army, which will then use the money to buy bombers.
Cadet's crisp five-finger salute to superior officers scaled down to three fingers and a look of sincere, filial respect.
After battles, soldiers collect used bullets for recycling.
Inter-Continental missiles no longer ballistic, just slightly peeved.
by Nicholas Danforth Copyright 2001 Modern Humorist, Inc.
30 Ways to simulate being in the Navy when you're at home
Here are more memories of sea duty from my brother Jim forwarded to him by his friend Walt, originating I know not where. This stuff brings back real memories.
Lock all friends and family outside. Your only means of communication should be with letters that your neighbours have held for at least three weeks, discarding two of five.
Surround yourself with 200 people that you don't really know or like: people who smoke, snore like Mack trucks going uphill,and use foul language like a child uses sugar on cereal.
Unplug all radios and TVs to completely cut yourself off from the outside world. Have a neighbour bring you a Time, Newsweek, or Proceedings from five years ago to keep you abreast of current events.
Monitor all home appliances hourly, recording all vital information (ie: plugged in, lights come on when doors open, etc)
Do not flush the toilet for five days to simulate the smell of 40 people using the same commode.
Lock the bathroom twice a day for a four hour period.
Wear only military uniforms. Even though nobody cares, clean and press one dress uniform and wear it for 20 minutes.
Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you look bald or look like you lost a fight with a demented sheep.
Work in 19 hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time, to ensure that your body does not know or even care if it is day or night.
Listen to your favourite CD 6 times a day for two weeks, then play music that causes acute nausea until you are glad to get back to your favourite CD.
Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides of your bed. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting up (about 10 inches is a good distance) then place it on a platform that is four feet off the floor. Place a small dead animal under the bed to simulate the smell of your bunkmate's socks.
Set your alarm to go off at 10 minute intervals for the first hour of sleep to simulate the various times the watchstanders and nightcrew bump around and wake you up. Place your bed on a rocking table to ensure you are tossed around the remaining three hours. Make use of a custom clock that randomly simulates fire alarms, police sirens, helicopter crash alarms, and a new wave rock band.
Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered to your garage and wait two weeks before eating them.
Prepare all meals blindfolded using all the spices you can grope for, or none at all. Remove the blindfold and eat everything in three minutes.
Periodically, shut off all power at the main circuit breaker and run around shouting "fire, fire, fire" and then restore power.
At least once a month, force the commode to overflow to simulate a 'black water system' boo boo.
Buy a gas mask and smear it with rancid animal fat. Scrub the faceshield with steel wool until you can no longer see out of it. Wear this for two hours every fifth day especially when you are in the bathroom.
Study the owner's manual for all household appliances. Routinely take an appliance apart and put it back together.
Remove all plants, pictures and decorations. Paint everything gray, white, or the shade of hospital smocks.
Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls. Ensure one of these two rolls is wet all the time.
Smash your forehead or shins with a hammer every two days to simulate collision injuries sustained onboard Navy ships.
When making sandwiches, leave the bread out for six days, or until it is hard and stale.
Every 10 weeks, simulate a visit to another port. Go directly to the city slums wearing your best clothes. Find the worst looking place, and ask for the most expensive beer that they carry. Drink as many as you can in four hours. Take a cab home taking the longest possible route. Tip the cabby after he charges you double because you dress funny and don't speak right.
Use fresh milk for only two days after each port visit.
Keep the bedroom thermostat at 2 deg C and use only a thin blanket for warmth.
Ensure that the water heater is connected to a device that provides water at a flow rate that varies from a fast drip to a weak trickle, with the temperature alternating rapidly from 2 to 95 deg C.
Use only spoons which hold a minimum of 1/2 cup at a time.
Repaint the interior of your home every month, whether it needs it or not.
Stand outside at attention at dawn and have the poorest reader you know read the morning paper outloud. Be sure to have him skip over anything pertinent.
Every four hours, check the fluid level in your car's radiator. Check the tire pressure and replace air lost from excessive pressure checks. Be sure to place red tag on ignition stating "DANGER: DO NOT OPERATE" while you perform these checks. Inform your neighbor as to the results of these checks, have him tell you to repeat the checks because he did not see you perform them.
It's 5 in the morning. The marine recruits are lined up outside their barracks. Nude. It's mid-January. In Alaska. The sergeant walks up to the first marine and whacks him across the ... [fill in the blank].
The sergeant barks: "Did you feel that, soldier?"
The recruit responds: "No, sir!"
The sergeant: "Why not, soldier?"
The recruit: "Because I'm a rough tough marine, sir!"
The sergeant goes to the next marine and whacks him across his ... [fill in the blank]. The sergeant bellows: "Did you feel that, soldier?"
The recruit screams: "No, sir!"
"Why not, soldier?" "Because I'm a rough tough marine. Sir!"
The sergeant goes to the third marine and etc. etc. "Did you feel that?"
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