Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman." She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman coming down the stairs. The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.

"Well," he snarled at the blonde, "what do you want?"

"I just wanted to know why you can''t ring it for yourself."

A biologist phones his wife from his office and says, "Honey, something has just come up, I realize its not my field season, but I have to visit my field site for a week. So, would you pack my clothes, my field equipment and my blue silk pajamas? I''ll be home in 1 hour to pick them up."

A week later he returned. "Did you have a good trip, dear?" his wife asked.

"Oh, it was just a typical field trip, you know, work work work," he exclaimed, and added "But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."

"No I didn''t," she replied. "I put them in the box of field equipment!"

"How have you managed to buy such a luxurious villa while your income is so low?" asked the IRS auditor. "Well/1 the taxpayer answered, "while fishing last summer 1 have caught a large golden fish. When I took it off the hook, the fish opened his mouth and said, ''I am a magical fish. Throw me back to the sea and I''ll give you the most luxurious villa you have ever seen''. I threw the fish back to the sea, and got the villa."

"How can you prove such an unbelievable story?" "Well, you can see the villa, can''t you?"

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. He was driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, "What`s taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man. I know your uphill shots. You don`t stand a snowball`s chance in hell of hitting her from here!"

Two biologists are in the field following the tracks of a radio-collared grizzly bear.

All of a sudden, the bear crashes out of the brush and heads right for them. They scramble up the nearest tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them.

The first biologist starts taking off his heavy leather hiking boots and pulls a pair of sleek running shoes from his back-pack.

The second biologist gives him a puzzled look and says, "What in the world are you doing?"

He replies, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we''ll jump down and make a run for it."

The second guy says, "Are you crazy? We both know you can''t outrun a full-grown grizzly bear."

The first guy says, "I don''t have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a women?

Because when it''s time to go back to childhood, a man is already there.

One day, a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room,
he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "Texas A & M."

My wife agrees that I do indeed lead a "dog's life".

The way she puts it though is: "He comes in with muddy feet, makes himself comfortable by the fire, and expects to be fed."