A young private sought permission from his Commanding Officer to leave camp the following weekend. "You see," he explained, "my wife's expecting."

"Oh..." said the Officer, "I understand. Go ahead and tell your wife that I wish her luck."

The following week the same soldier was back again with the same explanation: "My wife's expecting."

The Officer looked surprised. "Still expecting?" he said, "Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course you can have the week-end off."

When the same soldier appeared again the third week, however, the Officer lost his temper. "Don't tell me your wife is still expecting!" he bellowed.

"Yes sir!" said the soldier resolutely, "She's still expecting."

"What in heaven is she expecting?" cried the Officer.

"Me." said the soldier simply.

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man.

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.

"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

The wife found her husband sitting on the back

porch crying. “What’s wrong?� she asked.

“Do you remember when we were dating and your

father told me that if I didn’t marry you, he

would send me to prison for 20 years?� he said.

“Yes� she responded, “so what?� “I would have

gotten out of prison today!� he sobbed.

Tom was a crotchety old fellow who always took breakfast with his wife. He would read the morning paper while she fumed at his neglect, and today of all days because it was their 25th wedding anniversary.

"Tom!! Tom!! Put down that paper and let's talk about how we are going to celebrate our wedding anniversary today. What do you suggest?"

Tom put his newspaper down, removed and polished his glasses, stared for a moment into the distance, then said, "How about two minutes of silence?"

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A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you."

"I know" said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."