Three women were in a bar talking about their husbands and how they made love.

The first woman said, "My husband is a marriage counselor, and before we make love, he brings me flowers and candy. I like that."

The second woman proclaimed, "My husband is a mechanic, he makes love a little rough, I like that."

The third woman replied, "Well my husband works for Microsoft and all he does is sit on the edge of the bed and tell me how good it's going to be when I get it."

Secret MicroSoft C code - Microsoft marketing strategy

Subject: *** TOP SECRET MICROSOFT CODE ***
Project: Version - Windows 95

Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):

#include <nonsense.h>
#include <lies.h>
#include <spyware.h> /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include <process.h> /* For the court of law */#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship   another_beta_versionvoid main()
{
  if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
  {
    if (there_are_still_bugs)
      market(bugfix);
    if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
      raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
  }
  while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
  {
    make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in
    lie.h */
    if (rumours_grow_wilder)
      make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
    if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
    {
      market_time=ripe;
      say("It will be ready in one month);
      order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
      order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
      order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
      vapourware=TRUE;
      break;
     }
  }
  switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
  {
     case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
       say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");
       break;
    case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
       say("Yes it will work");
       ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
       pretend(there_is_no_problem);
       break;
     case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
       say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"
       " the 32 bits architecture");
       inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
       inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"
       "'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
       inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
       get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM); break;
     case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
       say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for
       everyone");
       register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
       when(time_is_ripe) {
          arrest(journalist);
          brainwash(journalist);
          when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree) {
            order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
            release (journalist);
          }
       }
       break;
   }
   while (vapourware)
   {
     introduction_date++; /* Delay */
     if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
       break;
     say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
  }
  release(beta_version)
  while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
  {
    bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
    release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
    introduce(more_memory_requirements);
    if (customers_report_installation_problems)
    {
      say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
      if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
      { ignore(customer); order(microsoft_intelligence_agency,
      "Keep an eye on this bastard");
      }
    }
    if ( bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years )
    {
      divorce(woman_that_was_beatifull_when_I_married_her);
      wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks);
      marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
      devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
      if (boobies_start_to_hang)
 dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
    }
    if (there_is_another_company)
    {
      steal(their_ideas);
      accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
      hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
      wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
      buy_out(other_company);
    }
  }
  /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at
     us */
  order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
  buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
  laugh_at(everyone,
for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version); }
void bugfix(void)
{
  charge (a_lot_of_money)
  if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
    say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
  if (still_complaints)
  {
    ignore(customer);
    register(customer, big_Bill_book);
    /* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
  }
}

Russian and American submarines

"Yes, I have, they went to north-east", the fisherman replied.

"Thanks very much", and off they went, to north-east... After some time, Russian submarine surfaced, and their commander asked the same fisherman, "Have You seen any American submarines lately?"

Fishermans answer was the same: "Yes, and they went to north-east."

"What?", asked russian submarines commander.

"I said, they went to north-east!"

"What a hell means north-east, You'd better show us the direction with your hand, if You don't want us to sink you!"

State Troopers blooper

Responce to 911 call

The man who rang speaks (looking really agitated): "We are from 911, we came for the man having a heartattack, because of the burglers who got into his house and raped his daughter under his eyes ... This is no. 46, right?"

"Yes!"

"This is the Johnson family, right?"

"No way! The Johnsons moved three months ago!"

"Goddammit! I hate these people! They call 911 and then they move! Darn!"