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So, said Sadie to her sister from the old country |
State Troopers blooperThe following is another goodie related to me by my mom years ago. It's another one of those that's just a little too good to be true. Though the veracity may be questionable, it's a great story.
Preface: Policemen, firefighters, etc. used to have annual dinner-dance type affairs (they were referred to as "The Policeman's Ball", etc) to raise money for the local constabulatory. The individual officers were responsible for selling tickets to the event to those on their beat.
And now, the story:
A woman was driving down the road one day only to find herself behind a horse trailer being pulled by a pick-up truck. As they were driving along, the back door of the horse trailer came loose and swung open, exposing the rear end of the horse inside.
Eventually, gastric and bowel processes completed, the horse's tail lifted and - voila - the woman's windshield was covered in horse stuff.
Now the woman's first instinct was, of course, to turn on the windshield wipers. Unfortunately, this only made the situation worse and as the woman tried to gain control of the car and keep it on the road, she heard a siren.
Craning her neck out the window to steer the car onto the shoulder, she noticed that the siren was sounding from directly behind her and followed her onto the shoulder.
Sitting in her car, trying to regain her composure, a state trooper came alongside and asked the woman for her license and registration. Now, it was readily apparent from even a cursory glance, what had happened to the windshield of the woman's car and she was shocked that the trooper appeared so callous and had not even enquired as to her safety.
"What do you want my license and registration for?" asked the woman.
"You were driving erratically," replied the state trooper.
Now, almost apoplectic, the woman began fumbling through her purse. As she presented the requested documents to the state trooper she asked, sarcastically, "I suppose you want to sell me a ticket to the state trooper's ball, also."
The state trooper fixed her with a long, hard gaze, drew himself up to his full height and replied, "Ma'am. State Troopers don't have balls!"
After a momentary pause, the trooper's face turned several shades of red. He handed back her license and registration, strode back to his car and drove off. |
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So, said Sadie to her sister from the old country |
Responce to 911 callThe dorbell rings and a woman opens the door.
The man who rang speaks (looking really agitated): "We are from 911, we came for the man having a heartattack, because of the burglers who got into his house and raped his daughter under his eyes ... This is no. 46, right?"
"Yes!"
"This is the Johnson family, right?"
"No way! The Johnsons moved three months ago!"
"Goddammit! I hate these people! They call 911 and then they move! Darn!" |
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So, said Sadie to her sister from the old country |
The absolute worst things to say to a Police Officer
- Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
- That hooker I met at the AIDS clinic said you were a nice guy.
- Hey, you must've been doin' about 125mph to keep up with me! Good job!
- That uniform makes your ass look really big.
- Excuse me. Is stick up hyphenated?
- I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.
- You don't happen to have any beer in your car?
- I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
- Bad Cop! No Donut!
- Your not gonna check the trunk, are you?
- Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
- Lets do it different this time... I will give you the breathalyzer test, now stick this in your mouth and blow
- Did you happen to attend the Barney Fife Police Academy?
- Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on Cops?
- I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
- Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend 's nightstand.
- When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile pretty for the camcorder.
- I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket.
- Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
- I pay your salary!
- So, uh, you on the take, or what?
- Those sirens are hurting my ears, turn them off or I am not speaking to you.
- So what if I was speeding, whatcha gonna do about it Mr. Hotshot?
- Gee, officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
- Aren't you the guy from the village people?
- Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay just so one of us does.
- I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes I know there is no other car around, that's how far they are ahead of me.
- So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you were little?
- Sorry I can't hear you over the radio. No I am not turning it down, I love this song. Either speak up or just leave me alone.
- What do you mean have I been drinking? Your the trained specialist.
- Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
- Hey, man, you want a hit?
- Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
- Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
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Microsoft buys church |
MICROSOFT Bids to Acquire Catholic Church
VATICAN CITY (AP) -- In a joint press conference in St. Peter's Square this morning, MICROSOFT Corp. and the Vatican announced that the Redmond software giant will acquire the Roman Catholic Church in exchange for an unspecified number of shares of MICROSOFT common stock. If the deal goes through, it will be the first time a computer software company has acquired a major world religion.
With the acquisition, Pope John Paul II will become the senior vice-president of the combined company's new Religious Software Division, while MICROSOFT senior vice-presidents Michael Maples and Steven Ballmer will be invested in the College of Cardinals, said MICROSOFT Chairman Bill Gates.
"We expect a lot of growth in the religious market in the next five to ten years," said Gates. "The combined resources of MICROSOFT and the Catholic Church will allow us to make religion easier and more fun for a broader range of people."
Through the MICROSOFT Network, the company's new on-line service, "we will make the sacraments available on-line for the first time" and revive the popular pre-Counter-Reformation practice of selling indulgences, said Gates. "You can get Communion, confess your sins, receive absolution -- even reduce your time in Purgatory -- all without leaving your home."
A new software application, MICROSOFT Church, will include a macro language which you can program to download heavenly graces automatically while you are away from your computer.
An estimated 17,000 people attended the announcement in St Peter's Square, watching on a 60-foot screen as comedian Don Novello -- in character as Father Guido Sarducci -- hosted the event, which was broadcast by satellite to 700 sites worldwide.
Pope John Paul II said little during the announcement. When Novello chided Gates, "Now I guess you get to wear one of these pointy hats," the crowd roared, but the pontiff's smile seemed strained.
The deal grants MICROSOFT exclusive electronic rights to the Bible and the Vatican's prized art collection, which includes works by such masters as Michelangelo and Da Vinci. But critics say MICROSOFT will face stiff challenges if it attempts to limit competitors' access to these key intellectual properties.
"The Jewish people invented the look and feel of the holy scriptures," said Rabbi David Gottschalk of Philadelphia. "You take the parting of the Red Sea -- we had that thousands of years before the Catholics came on the scene."
But others argue that the Catholic and Jewish faiths both draw on a common Abrahamic heritage. "The Catholic Church has just been more successful in marketing it to a larger audience," notes Notre Dame theologian Father Kenneth Madigan. Over the last 2,000 years, the Catholic Church's market share has increased dramatically, while Judaism, which was the first to offer many of the concepts now touted by Christianity, lags behind.
Historically, the Church has a reputation as an aggressive competitor, leading crusades to pressure people to upgrade to Catholicism, and entering into exclusive licensing arrangements in various kingdoms whereby all subjects were instilled with Catholicism, whether or not they planned to use it. Today Christianity is available from several denominations, but the Catholic version is still the most widely used. The Church's mission is to reach "the four corners of the earth," echoing MICROSOFT's vision of "a computer on every desktop and in every home".
Gates described MICROSOFT's long-term strategy to develop a scalable religious architecture that will support all religions through emulation. A single core religion will be offered with a choice of interfaces according to the religion desired -- "One religion, a couple of different implementations," said Gates.
The MICROSOFT move could spark a wave of mergers and acquisitions, according to Herb Peters, a spokesman for the U.S. Southern Baptist Conference, as other churches scramble to strengthen their position in the increasingly competitive religious market.
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Husband is a Software Professional!! |
| Husband is a Software Professional!!
Husband : Good evening dear, I am now logged in.
Wife : Have you brought the ring?
Husband : Bad command or File name.
Wife : But I told in the mornin.......
Husband : Erroneous Syntax, Abort?
Wife : What about your salary?
Husband : File in use.
Wife : What about my new saree?
Husband : Variable not found.
Wife : At least give me your credit card, I want to do some shopping.
Husband : Sharing Violation, Access Denied.
Wife : Do you love me or do you only like computers or are you just being funny?
Husband : Too many parameters.
Wife : It was a great mistake that I married a stupid guy like you.
Husband : Data type mismatch.
Wife : You are a useless nut.
Husband : It is by default.
Wife : By the way who was in the car this morning ?
Husband : System is unstable. Press CTRL+ALT+DEL to reboot. |
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Youve been programming too long when |
When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".
When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.
When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed,then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.
When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.
When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"
When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.
When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.
When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.
When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.
When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors. |
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So, said Sadie to her sister from the old country |
Military tribunalsSince the Bush administration hasn't yet figured out the details of its proposed "military tribunals", I thought I'd offer a suggestion.
Basically, we have three constraints to meet:
- The trials must not be hampered by the US constitution: they are to be secret, with the ability to withhold evidence from the accused, use hearsay and circumstantial evidence, and impose the death penalty with a majority vote.
- They need to be supervised by an institution with extensive experience in managing key elements of United States infrastructure.
- Since we're in a recession now, they need to be cheap.
I say we take a page from U.S. manufacturers and outsource them to China.
from |
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Inspecting the field where the new recruits |
Inspecting the field where the new recruits were running through camouflage exercises, the general was right pleased until suddenly a man disguised as a tree started screaming and shucked off his disguise of branches and leaves.
Livid with rage, the general ordered the panicked private to come to his tent.
"Soldier," he said when the man had calmed somewhat, "do you realize that if this had been a combat situation your irresponsible behavior might have gotten your entire regiment killed?"
"I'm sorry, sir," the soldier replied, "I really am.
"Sorry isn't enough!" the general boomed. "I want to know what happened!"
"Well, sir," the soldier began, "with all due respect, I stood perfectly still when a woodpecker came along and started poking at my arm. And I didn't so much as flinch when a dog wandered over and tipped a kidney on my leg.
But, sir ... it was the squirrels that finally got to me."
"The squirrels?"
"Yes sir. It didn't bother me when they ran up my pants leg, but I just couldn't take it when one said to the other, 'Let's eat one now and save the other for winter. . . |
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Type what I tell you |
Ugly BeastI dreamt last night that I went to Heaven, and I met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. I asked him that since I arrived in Heaven if I could take a look around the place. St. Peter agreed, and even came along with me to show me around. We went a ways, until we met President Clinton, tied to one of the most ugliest beast you could ever, ever imagine. It was nearly human, probably about 95 years old, 5 inch thick glasses, grease just dripping off its body, muttering every now and then like a sick crow. We asked Willie why he was chained to this awful creature.
Willie replied: "Well, when I used to live on Earth, I committed a number of sins, and now I'm chained to this really ugly old thing as penance."
We wished President Clinton the best of luck, and moved on. A while later we met with none other than Elvis Presley, the King of Rock, and he was tied to another of the most ugliest creatures you could imagine, even worse than the first one. We asked Mr. Presley why he was chained to such an ugly thing.
The King replies: "Well, when I used to live on Earth, I committed a number of sins, and now I have to live with this ugly old monster for a while as penance."
We wished the King the best of luck, and moved on.
After a while we met up with Billy Gates, president of Microsoft. Billy Gates just so happened to be chained to one of the most gorgeous, luscious, and sexiest woman you could ever imagine, long blonde hair, blue eyes, long limbs, and a beautiful figure. So, we asked him why they were chained to each other like that.
The woman answered first: "When I used to live on Earth, I committed a number of sins..." |
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So, said Sadie to her sister from the old country |
Military historyThe young Ensign approached the crusty old Chief and asked him about the origin of the commissioned office insignias.
"Well, Ensign, it's history and tradition. First, we give you a gold bar representing that you're valuable BUT malleable. The silver bar of a Lieutenant Junior Grade represents value, but less malleable. When you make Lieutenant, you're twice as valuable so we give you two silver bars."
"As a Captain, you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As an Admiral, you're obviously a star. That answer your question?"
"Yeah, but what about Commanders and Lieutenant Commanders?"
"Now that goes waaaaaay back in history. Back to the Garden of Eden even. You see, we've always covered our pricks with leaves ..." |
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