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Lightbulb joke collection 63 |
Q: How many tourists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Six. One to hold the bulb and five to ask for directions.
Q: How many rednecks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, it only takes one person to use a hammer.
Q: How many rednecks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, one to change the bulb, one to take care of the sheep, and one to observe and try to think why he isn't tending to the sheep's needs.
Q: How many rednecks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to drive their home to the hardware store and one to buy the bulb and screw it in.
Q: How many Norwegians does is take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw in the bulb and one to tell a long story about it...
Q: How many public opinion researchers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: With what degree of certainty do you need to know?
Q: How many Greenpeace researchers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to put in the new one and one to recycle the old one.
Q: How many Green Party members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they use light bulbs which don't burn out, so they don't know how.
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Lightbulb joke collection 84 |
Q: How many Apple programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but why bother ? Your light socket will just be obsolete in six months anyway.
Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It burned out? You must be using a non-standard socket.
Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They just write it up as a new and useful feature.
Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One--but Bill Gates must inspect every single bulb and socket before the operation is started.
Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.
Q: How many safety inspectors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to change it and three to hold the ladder.
Q: How many civil servants does it take to change the light bulb?
A: 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
Q: How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
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Lightbulb joke collection 21 |
Q: How many alien life forms does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Yeah, wouldn't the guys at SETI like to know *that*!
Note: SETI = Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence.
Q: Why did the lightbulb fall out of the tree ?
A: Because it was doing an impersonation of the sun, setting.
Q: Why did the lightbulb fall out of the tree ?
A: Because Christmas tree decorations are always cheap and nasty.
Q: How many lightbulbs does it take to change a dyslexic?
A: One. It isn't too easy.
Q: How many dyslexics does it take to bulb a light change?
A: 10, one to change the light bulb and 9 to misread the manual.
Q: How many dyslexics does it take to bulb a light change?
A: Eno.
Q: How does an engineer change a lightbulb?
A: As long as lighting levels are within operational parameters, he doesn't !
Q: How many chess grandmasters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They are too "Short".
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Lightbulb joke collection 38 |
Q: How many Daleks does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 1,500,000: To conquer a race than can climb ladders for them.
Q: How many people of the anti-matter Universe does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Minus 2. -1 to change the bulb, -1 to have a fight with Captain Kirk.
Q: How many Minbari does it take to screw in a light-bulb?
A: None. They never finish the job and they refuse to tell you why.
Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.
Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to stand on a chair and change it and one to say "I wish I was up there !"
Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: A finite number F. One to change it and F-1 to act in a stereotypical manner according to the part they're playing (See the formula @ the start.)
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
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Lightbulb joke collection 105 |
Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They can't change light bulbs... Without light, they can't read the manual, and without the manual, they can't figure out how to change the light bulb.
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Wait! Maybe the bulb isn't broken. Let's try it again.
Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Seven. One to write the pseudocode, another to design the requisite peripherals, another three to code various sections of the main routine, another to sort out the memory conflicts, and Bill Gates to justify earning such swingeing fees...
Q: How many Microsoft Visual C++ programmers does it take ....
A: 400. 1 to change the bulb, 50 to write a magazine about it, 50 to write a help file about it, 50 to code a little gadget so when you hit the bulb it will announce all the names of the team involved, 50 to go down to the drinks machine and get everyone their can of coke, 50 to show off about how installing a light bulb for Bill has made them paper millionaires, 1 to answer the phone at the help desk ("Putting you through to our light bulb expert sir... click"), 148 to pad out the pictures in the "Light Bulb - how we did it" magazine.
Q: How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: You're still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class, so all you'd have to do is send a light bulb change message.
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Lightbulb joke collection 29 |
Q: How many Lacanians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three-one to do it, one to desire it, and the ignorant Other.
Note: Jacques Lacan (1901-82) was a prominent French psychoanalyst and theorist who is very influential with literary critics at the moment. This relates to his theories.)
Q: How many blind people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It depends whether the switch is on or off.
Q: How many blind people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If the switch is off, one. If the switch is on, any number, until one of them figures out to turn it off.
Q: How many deaf blind people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Depends on whether or not you can get them to notice the darkness...
Q: How many librarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: I don't know, but I can look it up for you.
Q: How many cataloguers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but the Library of Congress has to do it first.
Q: How many NBC news producers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, one to drill a hole in the light bulb so it blows up when he turns it on, one to film it, and one to insist on the truth of the report despite the manipulation.
Q: How many Supreme Court Justices does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Nine-three to form a plurality, two to concur in part, two to dissent one to concur in part and dissent in part with the plurality opinion, and the last to concur with the dissenters in part.
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Lightbulb joke collection 37 |
Q: How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to roll it, and one to light it up.
Q: How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
A: 50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him.
Q: How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two, one to screw in the bulb and another to shoot him and take the credit.
Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000"
Q: How many alt.fan.star-trek readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Illogical. We don't have such dated devices anymore.
Q: How many Borg will it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just assimilate the bulb.
Q: How many Borg will it take to change a light bulb?
A: All of them.
Q: How many Daleks does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Daleks don't change light bulbs, they level the building.
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Lightbulb joke collection 06 |
Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. It's left to the reader as an exercise.
Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just one, once you've managed to present the problem in terms he/she is familiar with.
Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One. He gives it to six Oregonians, thereby simplifying the problem to the previous question.
Q: How many statisticians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: This should be determined using a nonparametric procedure, since statisticians are not normal.
Q: How many statisticians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Walt Pirie to hold the bulb and one psychologist, one economist, one sociologist and one anthroplogist to pull away the ladder.
Q: How many Union Electricians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Seventeen - One to give the bulb to the screw-inner. One to screw in the bulb. One to hold him on the step ladder. Four to hold the step ladder steady. One to flick the switch to test the bulb. One to make sure that the other bulbs in the room will need fixing. One to supervise. Two to take a coffee break, one to eat lunch, and one to nap. One to plot the best way of breaking into the apartment at night. One to drink gin n tonics with the yuppies.
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Lightbulb joke collection 41 |
Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Hmmm... well there's an interesting question isn't it ?
Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it and two to stand around arguing over whether or not the lightbulb exists.
Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Define "lightbulb".
Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to think deeply and come up with a real gem, such as "Well there you are, standing on a chair, changing a lightbulb. Here we see the difference between a cat and a dog. If you have a cat, it looks up at you, thinks 'What are you doing ?', and walks off. But if you have a dog, it's looking up at you and thinking 'Well, I dunno what you're doing, but I love you anyway.'
Q: How many Mensans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The bulb isn't bright enough.
Q: How many Mensans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The dim bulbs aren't "changed," they are humanely euthanized.
Q: How many Mensans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 66. Eleven philosophers to ponder whether it is possible to actually do anything; ten semanticists to debate the various possible meanings of each phrase, word, and syllable; nine columnists to write about it from radically different viewpoints; eight letter writers to respond vehemently with opposing points of view; seven Quibblers who delight in pointing out others' mistakes (what is said is not as important as saying it correctly); six conservatives who believe things should stay the way they are; five liberals who believe that action should be taken immediately to form a committee to study possible actions; four ornery SOBs who disagree on principal with anything anyone else has suggested; three peacemakers who believe it's more important to work it out without showing any more emotions than necessary to get it done; two statisticians who maintain that numbers are more important than facts; and one pragmatist to ignore the bureaucratic piles of paperwork and replace the bad bulb with a good one. Whilst all this is going on, all the Mensans are keeping count in their heads just to make absolutely sure what it really does add up to 66.
Q: How many lexicographers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to protest that he should have changed it to "light bulb".
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Lightbulb joke collection 99 |
Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
Q: How many Labour Party members does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They haven't got a policy on that.
Q: How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an '800' number to order an American light bulb.
Q: How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, if he wants to sit in the dark, it's his business.
Q: How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, because somebody might come into the room who likes to sit in the dark.
Q: How many Perot supporters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they all just quit and go home!
Q: How many Presidential family members does it take to screw in a light bulb in the White House?
A: Two, Hillary for her office, Bill for the rest of the White House.
Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two--one to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and one to obscure the issues.
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