Hi there, I'm a human being! What are you?

Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.

Shouldn't you have a license for being that ugly?

Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all the stupid people.

Folk clap when they see you...but they clap their hands over their eyes.

All day I thought of you....I was at the zoo.

I'd love to ask how old you are, but unfortunately I know you can't count that high.

You should learn from your parents mistakes - try using some birth control.

He does the work of three men: Curly, Larry and Moe

Next time you shave, try standing an inch or two closer to the blade.

If I was as ugly as you were, I wouldn't say Hi to folk, I'd say BOO!

You got a face only a mother could love...unfortunately she too hates it!

I heard that you went to the haunted house and they offered you a job.

Listen, are you always this stupid or are you just making a special effort today?

Sure, I'd love to help you out...now, which way did you come in?

Anybody who told you to be yourself simply couldn't have given you worse advice...

Well, they do say opposites attact...so I sincerely hope you meet somebody who is attractive, honest, intelligent, and cultured.

I heard that you changed your mind. So, what did you do with the diaper?

Why don't you slip into something more comfortable...like a coma.

You started at the bottom...and it's been downhill ever since!

I heard that you were a Ladykiller. They take one look at you and die of shock.

Is your name Maple Syrup? - Well, it damn well should be, you sap!

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

There is no vaccine against stupidity.

I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!

I'd like to leave you with one thought, but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!

I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.

I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.

He is the kind of a man that you could use as a blueprint to build an idiot.

If you were my dog, I'd shave your butt and teach you to walk backwards.

You've got an IQ of 2. Pity it takes 3 to grunt.

A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl is wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.

"Thanks," the girl said.

The firefighter looked a little closer and noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

"Little Partner," the firefighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.
He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just
like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have
anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him, but
finally even she had had enough. She came into his room and
announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down,
crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't
use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled
over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the
thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you
stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under
his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing.
After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's
going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever
seen someone having their temperature taken?"
After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a Carnation."

Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.
 
I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.

I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.
 
Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege.
 
Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
 
You're so narrow minded that when you walk your earings knock together.
 
You're lucky to be born beautiful, unlike me, who was born to be a big liar.
 
Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.
 
Someone said that you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.
 
You have a lot of well-wishers. They would all like to throw you down one.

1. I can see your point, but I still think you''re full of shit.

2. I don''t know what your problem is, but I''ll bet it''s hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you''ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.

5. I''m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my
way.

6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

7. I''m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don''t work here. I''m a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can''t understand a damn word you''re
saying.

10. Ahhhh . I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You Remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don''t give a damn.

14. I''m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We''re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point
of view.

17. Just because you are misunderstood doesn''t mean you are an artist.

18. Any connections between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!

20. I''m not being rude. You''re just insignificant.

21. It''s a thankless job, but I''ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be?

24. Do I look like a f*cking people person to you?

25. This isn''t an office. It''s Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & I still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. Oh I get it . like humor . but different.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job (marriage, life, etc.) for what''s behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you really marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, and disorder ... my work here is finally done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

39. I''ll try being nicer if you''ll try being smarter.

40. Wait a minute --- I''m trying to imagine you with a personality.

This is something to think about when negative people
are doing their best to rain on your parade.
So remember this story the next time
someone who knows nothing,
and cares less, tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled
for a trip to Rome with her husband.
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser,
who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?
It's crowded and dirty.
You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always
late.

So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called
Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place.
Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive,
but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city!
The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced.

So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser.
"You and a million other people trying to see him.
He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.
The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman,
"not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes,
but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class.
The food and wine were wonderful,
and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward

who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job,
and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized
and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good,
but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican,
a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder,
and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors,
and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait,
the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later,
the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand!
I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said:

"Where'd you get the shitty Hairdo?

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it
out on someone, don''t take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you don''t know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I''d forgotten to
make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f***ing number!"
and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn''t believe that anyone could
be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn''s correct number to call her, I found
that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the ''wrong'' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You''re an asshole!" and hung
up. I wrote his number down with the word ''asshole'' next to it, and put it
in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a
really bad day, I''d call him up and yell, "You''re an asshole!" It always
cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic ''asshole'' calling
would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John
Smith from the telephone company. I''m calling to see if you''re familiar with
our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and
said, "That''s because you''re an asshole!" and hung up.

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking Spot. Some
guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently
waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I''d been waiting for that spot,
but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so
I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his
number on speed dial,) I thought that I''d better call the BMW asshole, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

He said, "Yes, it is." I asked, "Can you tell me where I can see it?" He
said, "Yes, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax. It''s a yellow rambler,
and the car''s parked right out in front."

I asked, "What''s your name?"

He said, "My name is Don Hansen,"

I asked, "When''s a good time to catch you, Don?"

He said, "I''m home every evening after five."

I said, "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

He said, "Yes?"

I said, "Don, you''re an asshole!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had
a problem, I had two assholes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called asshole ..1.

He said, "Hello."

I said, "You''re an asshole!" (But I didn''t hang up.)

He asked, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah,"

He screamed, " Stop calling me,"

I said, "Make me,"

He asked, "Who are you?"

I said, "My name is Don Hansen."

He said, "Yeah? Where do you live?" I said, "Asshole, I live at 34 Oaktree
Blvd, in Fairfax, a yellow rambler, I have a black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I''m coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying
your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I''m really scared, asshole," and hung up.

Then I called Asshole ..2.

He said, "Hello?"

I said, "Hello, asshole,"

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

I said, "You''ll what?"

He exclaimed, "I''ll kick your ass,"

I answered, "Well, asshole, here''s your chance. I''m coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
34 Oaktree Blvd, in Fairfax, and that I was on my way over there to kill my
gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd.
in Fairfax.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax. I got there just in
time to watch two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of
six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.
Anger management really does work!!!!!!