… A father walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25 cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and his Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help. A middle-aged, fairly unnoticeable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but only just) the man carefully takes hold of the kid’s gonads and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the man catches in his free hand. Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without even so much as a look back. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him. The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the father’s thanks. As he’s about to leave, the father asks one last question: “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before - it was fantastic - what are you, a surgeon or something like that?”
“Oh, good heavens no” the man replies, “I work for the IRS”
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying “A dollar per point.” The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change.
After a long career in teaching, you have finally reached that magical year when you are about to retire. As the year flies along, you begin to notice changes in and around you that signal to everyone that you must be a retiree-to-be and retirement weeks away!
You know you’re a retiree-to-be when… Fellow staff members greet you in the hall with, “Oh! Stop smiling!” You get up to the checkout counter at Borders, and you realize you’re buying books you won’t need next year. Your file cabinets are getting lighter, and your circular file is getting heavier. You find yourself saying, “Yes!” whenever an administrator or union officer asks you to be on a committee next year. The custodian has complained to the principal that the trash he removes daily from your room is 10 to 20 times greater than any other room in the building- including the cafeteria. You get in line at the copy machine, and realize you don’t have anything to copy. The teachers in the grade below you complain about how horrible their kids are, and you just smile. The principal comes in for the final observation of the year, and you throw a party for your class with lots of snacks, games, and a visit from Frankie the clown. You constantly find other teachers in your room measuring bookcases. You respond to every new initiative with, “Been there! Done that!” When the parent, who has complained about every teacher her kid has ever had, comes up to you and says, “My son is hoping to get you next year,” you just smile! On your way to the parking lot, you look up at the sky, and see 3 or 4 recent college graduates circling overhead. Other staff members complain that they can’t get into the rest room because you’re always in there, laughing hysterically. Behind you, as you’re driving out of the parking lot, you hear the faint ringing of the dismissal bell. Your final comments on the June report card are, “Bye!”
There is always a creative (and permanent) solution to any problem: According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirrors, leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.
To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors. He proceeded to take out a long-handled brush, dip it into the nearest toilet and scrub the mirror.
Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
Due to our current financial situation, management has decided to implement a scheme to put all workers over 30 on early retirement. This scheme will be know as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early).
Person selected to be RAPED can apply to the management to be eligible for the SHAFT (Special Help AFTer retirement). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (SCheme for Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED only once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as management deems appropriate.
Persons who have been raped can apply to get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SCREWED any further by management.
Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself for the amount of SHIT it gives its staff. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT please bring it to the attention of your manager. He has been trained to give all the SHIT you can handle.
Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling. She explained, “I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today.”
The first student raised her hand to volunteer.
“Marcy,” the teacher said. “You may go first.”
Marcy replied, “My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny.”
The teacher said, “Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?”
Kevin stood up and announced, “My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie.”
“Very good,” the teacher told Kevin.
Jeff was next, and he said, “My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no…”
Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.
Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher. The teacher called on little Johnny to go next.
Johnny said, “My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell “accountant.”
Santa, Banta and one of their friends are patients in a mental institution and are preparing for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If they pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years. The doctor takes them to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump. The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms. Then Banta jumps and breaks both legs. Santa looks over the side and refuses to jump. “Congratulations! You`re a free man. Just tell me why didn`t you jump?” asked the doctor. To which Santa answered, “Well Doc, I can`t swim!”
The company has discontinued all physical fitness programs since everyone gets enough exercise by:-
jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, beating around the bush, running down the boss, going around in circles, dragging their feet, dodging responsibility, passing the buck, climbing the ladder, wading through paperwork, pulling strings, shooting the breeze, throwing their weight around, stretching the truth, bending the rules, pushing their luck, shuffling papers, and playing hide and seek.
You’ve seen many of your friends retire, so now you’re wondering, “Is it time for me to take retirement?” Well, let us help you. Here are the signs you should watch for:
Have the beautiful young ladies in the office begun to confide in you? Have you had to play Santa Claus at the last five office Christmas parties? Does the guard at the front desk greet you each morning with, “Hello, Pops!” Are you the only one at the coffee dispenser who actually was some where when JFK was shot? Do you get invited out to lunch with the young salesmen because you’re the only one with a full-size car? Instead of mints and TicTacs, is your desk drawer full of Tums and Metamucil? Do you find staff meetings are the best time to catch up on your sleep? Besides the custodian, are you the only one who has keys to every door in the building? Nowadays, when someone needs help with a heavy box, is it you? Are you the only one in the office who wears a bow-tie to work? On your cubicle walls, are there pictures of Doris Day and The Beatles. When your cohorts say they enjoy Smashing Pumpkins, do you tell them not to get arrested for vandalism? Does your Camry look out of place next to all the trucks, SUVs and Harleys in the parking lot? Do you know the state capitals of all fifty states? When you’re walking through the parking lot, do you see recent college grads circling overhead?
… Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. “Squawks” are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews.
Problem:”DME volume unbelievably loud.” Solution:”Volume set to more believable level.”
Problem:”Dead bugs on windshield.” Solution:”Live bugs on order.”
Problem: “Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200fpm descent.” Solution:”Cannot reproduce problem on ground.”
Problem:”IFF inoperative.” Solution:”IFF inoperative in OFF mode.”
Problem:”Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.” Solution:”That’s what they’re there for.”
Problem:”Number three engine missing.” Solution:”Engine found on right wing after brief search.”
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