There’s a big conference of beer producers. At the end of

the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide

to have a drink in a bar.

The president of ‘Budweiser’ orders a Bud, the president of

‘Miller’ orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors,

and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness

what he wants to drink, and much to everybody’s amazement,

Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

“Why don’t you order a Guinness?� his colleagues ask.

“Naah. If you guys won’t drink beer, than neither will I.�

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were at the bar drinking when in

walks a cowboy who yells, “Who’s white horse it that outside?�

The Lone Ranger finishes off his whiskey, slams down the glass,

turns around and says, “It’s my horse. Why do you want to know?�

The cowboy looks at him and says, “Well, your horse is standing

out there in the sun and he don’t look too good.�

The Lone Ranger and Tonto run outside and they see that Silver

is in bad shape, suffering from heat exhaustion. The Loan Ranger

moves his horse into the shade and gets a bucket of water. He

then pours some of the water over the horse and gives the rest

to Silver to drink. It is then he notices that there isn’t a

breeze so he asks Tonto if he would start running around Silver

to get some air flowing and perhaps cool him down. Being a

faithful friend, Tonto starts running around Silver. The Lone

Ranger stands there for a bit then realizes there is not much

more he can do, so he goes back into the bar and orders another

whiskey.

After a bit a cowboy walks in and says, “Who’s white horse is

that outside?� Slowly the Lone Ranger turns around and says,

“That is my horse, what is wrong with him now?� “Nothing,�

replies the cowboy, “I just wanted to let you know that you

left your Injun running.�

Two fat blokes walk into the bar and the first one says, “Your round.�

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are yer absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the cop. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank God for that, I thought I was crippled."

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Your job is interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream.

Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

You sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth.. - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

You fall off the floor..

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

At AA meetings you begin: 'Hi my name is.. uh..'

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in..

You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alchohol, and [Women or Men].

Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

Roseanne looks good.

Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

I'm as sober as a judge.

The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

You wake up screaming 'TORO TORO TORO!' in the middle of the night.

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.

The bartender asks "He can drink?"

"Oh, sure. He can drink."

So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"

The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.

The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"

The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!"

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender: “I bet for a

hundred dollars that, if you give me a beer, I can tell you what

kind of beer it is.� So the bartender gives him the first beer and

the guy says: “That’s an easy one: Budweiser.� The bartender’s

amazed and gives him the next beer and the guy says: “This one is

a Warsteiner.� And every time the bartender gives him a beer, he

knows what kind of beer it is. After a while the bartender starts

to think: “Shit, this is gonna cost me a hundred dollars. I have

to think of something else.� So, he goes to the bathroom, pees in

the glass and gives it to the guy. The guy takes the glass, takes

a sip, lets it roll in his mouth, swallows it and says: “Well, this

is a hard one.� Then he takes another sip and says: “Heineken,

but somebody else drank it first.�

A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, “I’m sorry

but I can’t serve you.� “Why not?� asks the snake. The bartender

says, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.�