|
|
|
Christmas race |
Christmas is a race to see which gives out first
~ your money, your body or your resolve to stay on your diet,,,,. |
Send Free SMS To Any Mobile In INDIA or broad
|
|
|
|
Toys |
The Teacher, Ms. Jones, was very curious about how each of her students celebrated Christmas.
She called on young Patrick Murphy. "Tell me Patrick what do you do at Christmas time?" she asked.
Patrick addressed the class, "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to the midnight Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys."
"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown what do you do at Christmas?" Ms. Jones asked.
"Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to Church with Mum and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents, " Jimmy replied.
"That's also very nice Jimmy," she said. Realizing that there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion she asked Isaac Cohen the same question.
"Now Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?" she asked.
Isaac said, "Well we also sing carols!" Isaac responded.
Surprised, Mrs. Jones questioned further. "Tell us what you sing," Ms. Jones requested.
"Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing, 'What a friend we have in Jesus.' Then we all go to the Bahamas." |
Send Free SMS To Any Mobile In INDIA or broad
|
|
|
|
The Night Before Christmas With The Borg |
Enterprise NCC1701-D, Stardate Christmas Eve
'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the Enterprise
Not a life form was stirring, of any known size.
The phasers were hung by the transporters with care
In hopes that no Borg ship would ever come there.
The ensigns were nestled all snug in their beds
While millions of nanites danced on their heads.
And Crusher with her scanner and Picard with his book
Had just settled down in a quiet little nook.
When out on the bow there arose such a clatter,
Picard spilled his tea and wondered what was the matter.
Away to a bridge he streaked like a laser,
Woke Worf from his sleep and drew out his phaser.
The hum of the ship as its engines engaged
Gave Picard assurance that all was okay,
When what should appear on the forward displays,
But a large Borg ship with eight tractor beam rays!
It had an ominous look that frightened the crew,
And Picard knew in a moment, it must not be Q.
More rapid than phasers their tractor beams came
And they hailed and shouted each crew member's name!
"Now, Picard! now, Crusher! now, Data and LaForge!
Hey, Guinan! hey, Riker! hey, Deanna and Worf!
Resistance is futile! You all must comply!
You must be assimilated or else you must die!"
As merchant space vessels of slow warp retreat
Are by photons of Warbirds blown to ionic debris,
So would be the Enterprise and all of her crew
If a timely surrender did not quickly ensue.
And then in an instant, Picard heard on the hull
The creaking and jolting of a tractor beam's pull.
As he took a deep breath, and was turning around,
On board beamed a Borg with a soft beaming sound!
He was dressed all in gadgets from his head to his toe,
And his skin was washed out and was whiter than snow.
An arrangement of tools he held tight in his hand,
And he seemed a dark minstrel directing a band.
His optical apertures, oh how they stared!
His implants and armor in his skin were ensnared!
His dull little mouth was drawn rather tight,
And the suit on his frame was as black as the night;
A menacing scanner he produced from his arm,
And the sparks from the consoles set off an alarm!
He spoke not a word, but proceeded to lurk,
And never once paused as he continued his work.
At a bleep from the scanner, the Borg jerked his head
And it made Picard think he had so much to dread!
But the Borg moved along, and returned to his scan,
Then Picard saw his chance to destroy this Borg man.
The captain drew his phaser and shot the Borg dead
And the Borg fell over much quicker than said.
Then Picard gave orders that photons be sent
And the Borg cube's hull was soon broken and bent.
With a jolt and a creak the ship was released,
And the Borg disappeared who had lain there deceased.
Then away the Borg flew as if they were scared
And Picard was puzzled by the attack they had dared.
But he heard them exclaim ere they warped out of sight,
"Happy Christmas, Locutus, and to all a good night!" |
Send Free SMS To Any Mobile In INDIA or broad
|
|
|
|
God so loved the world |
| … for God so loved the world that He didn’t send a committee. |
Send Free SMS To Any Mobile In INDIA or broad
|
|
|
|
Christmas Letter |
Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,
Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.
Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come. I bet she's never even watched that videotape of my haemorrhoid surgery, has she?
Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me. I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and am grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain. Now don't you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year. Give my love to my darling grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is -- the one with the black roots who stole you screaming from my bosom.
Merry Christmas.
Love, Mom |
Send Free SMS To Any Mobile In INDIA or broad
|
|
|
|
See Mother, Funny, Funny Mother! |
See Mother. See Mother laugh. Mother is happy. Mother is happy
about Christmas. Mother has many plans. Mother has many plans for
Christmas. Mother is organized. Mother smiles all the time.
Funny, funny Mother.
See mother. See mother smile. Mother is happy. The shopping is all
done. See the children watch T.V. Watch children, watch. See the
children change their minds. See them ask Santa for different toys.
Look, look, Mother is not smiling. Funny, funny Mother.
See Mother. See Mother sew. Mother will make dresses. Mother will
make robes. Mother will make shirts. Look ... Mother put the
zipper in wrong. See Mother sews the dress on the wrong side. See
Mother cut the skirt too short. See Mother put the material away
until January. Look, look, see Mother take a tranquilizer. Funny,
funny Mother.
See Mother. See Mother buy raisins and nuts. See Mother buy
candied pineapple and powdered sugar. See Mother buy flour and
dates and pecans and brown sugar and bananas and spice and vanilla.
Look, Look, Mother is mixing everything together. See the children
press out the cookies. See the flour on their elbows. See the
cookies burn. See the cake fall. See the children pull taffy. See
Mother pulls her hair. See Mother cleans the kitchen with the
garden hose. Funny, funny, Mother.
See Mother. See Mother wrap presents. See Mother look for the end
of the scotch tape roll. See Mother bites her fingernails. See
Mother go. See Mother goes to the store for the 12th time in one
hour. See Mother go. See Mother goes faster. Run Mother, run! See
Mother trims the tree. See Mother has a party. See Mother makes
popcorn. See Mother scrubs the rug. See Mother tears up the
organized plan. See Mother forgets the gift for Uncle Harold. See
Mother gets the hives! Go Mother Go! See the far-away look in
Mother's eyes. Mother is disorganized. Mother is disoriented.
Funny, funny Mother.
It is finally Christmas morning. See the happy family. See Father
smile. Father is happy. Smile Father Smile! Father loves the fruit-
cake. Father loves the Christmas pudding. Father loves his new
neckties.
Look, look. See the happy children. See the children's toys.
Santa was very good to the children. The children will remember
this Christmas. See Mother. Mother is slumped in a chair. Mother
is crying uncontrollably. Mother does not look well. Mother has
ugly dark circles under her blood shot eyes. Everyone helps Mother
to bed. Mother sleeps quietly under heavy sedation.
See Mother smile! |
Send Free SMS To Any Mobile In INDIA or broad
|
|
|
|
Snowballs |
What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies ?
Snowballs. |
Send Free SMS To Any Mobile In INDIA or broad
|
|
|
|
Christmas Q & A |
Q. Why do reindeer have red noses?
A. They are not equipped with ABS and thus tend to bump into
things on slippery surfaces. This is why Santa is often seen
with a red nose (the sleigh doesn't have an airbag, either).
Q. Why does Santa use Elves?
A. There is no trade union for Elves. They're easy to exploit.
Q. Is there really a Mrs. Claus?
A. Highly unlikely. Since Santa is surrounded by male figures
(Elves, reindeer named Rudolph, Donner, Blitzen etc.) his sexual
preference seems to tend towards homosexuality. He is said to
have some problems finding a gerontophile/zoophile Elf for a
threesome with a reindeer, though.
Q. Does Santa really live on the North Pole?
A. Uncertain. However, rumor has it that the story of Santa and
the North Pole has nothing to do with the Arctic, but that
Santa is known to frequently ask the Elves and reindeer if he
can shove his pole up north. Obviously, this is related to
the cryptic description "up where the sun don't shine", which
applies to both the North Pole and assholes in general.
Q. Does Santa really work all year round making toys?
A. Get real! Check the box in which the Christmas gift came! Does
it say "Made at the North Pole"? ("Made in China" more likely!)
Q. Then what does he DO all year?
A. Uncertain. Chasing Elves and reindeer, most likely. Maybe he
spends his winters in Florida.
Q. Is the story about the little angel and the Christmas tree true?
A. Without a doubt. Santa has a temper and can develop a nasty
attitude (he doesn't take stress too well).
Q. If so, why do the little angels on Christmas trees look happy
(given the fact they have a tree up theirs)?
A. Little angels are known to be kinky.
Q. Do the polar bears on the North Pole cause Santa any trouble?
A. Not since Santa equipped the guard Elves with M-61 submachine
guns.
Q. So Santa is basically a gun-crazy, homosexual, angry old man
who exploits little Elves, fools around all day, and drives
around in a sleigh that lacks basic security measures?
A. You forgot about the bestiality thing. |
Send Free SMS To Any Mobile In INDIA or broad
|
|
|
|
Silly Things To Do At Christmas |
1. Stand in front of a supermarket wearing a Santa suit, ringing
a bell and wishing everyone a Happy Hanukkah.
2. Wrap yourself in swaddling clothes and lay in the manger of
the neighbor's nativity scene.
3. Put on a Santa suit and open a mall kiosk that sells reindeer
jerky and Easter Bunny filets.
4. Call Park Rangers in your area and tell them Rudolph is sick.
Ask if you can borrow one of their reindeers. If they tell you
no, then yell at them telling them they are heartless bastards
for ruining Christmas for all the children around the world.
5. Wear a Santa suit to the nearest red light district and stand
on the corner saying "Ho! Ho! Ho!" as women walk by.
6. Get a job as a mall Santa and then tell all the children that
they've been naughty and won't be getting any presents this
year.
7. Create snow sculptures in your yard of snowmen in suggestive
poses.
8. Buy a package of Keebler's E.L. Fudge Sandwich Cookies and
hand them out to children saying this is what happens to the
bad elves.
9. Decorate your yard to look like a sleigh and eight tiny
reindeer crashed and burned. Walk back and forth along the
street muttering, "Oh, the humanity".
10. Get a job playing Santa at a corporate Christmas party and
ask everyone if they'd like to see some naked pictures of
Santa with the Boss's wife.
11. Sell jars of water, advertising them as Frosty the Snowman
urns.
12. Get a job as a mall Santa and then tell all the children
they'll get what you give 'em and that's that!
13. Get a job as a mall Santa and then tell all the children you
are sick of the milk and cookies crap and you'd prefer a beer
and a hot blonde instead.
14. Sell Grinch-skin rugs.
15. Stand on a street corner selling dime bags of mistletoe.
16. Post a sign in front yard that says Carolers Welcome. Then
when they get almost to the front door turn on the sprinklers.
17. Randomly replace one bulb in your neighbor's lights so they
no longer work. Repeat this every day until Christmas.
18. Decorate your yard for the holidays using you neighbor's
decorations. |
Send Free SMS To Any Mobile In INDIA or broad
|
|
|
|
Puppy Christmas |
On the first day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
The Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the second day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
Two leaking bubble lights,
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the third day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
Three punctured ornaments,
Two leaking bubble lights,
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the fourth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
Four broken window candles,
Three punctured ornaments,
Two leaking bubble lights,
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the fifth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
Five chewed-up stockings,
Four broken window candles,
Three punctured ornaments,
Two leaking bubble lights,
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the sixth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
Six yards of soggy ribbon,
Five chewed-up stockings,
Four broken window candles,
Three punctured ornaments,
Two leaking bubble lights,
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the seventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
Seven scraps of wrapping paper,
Six yards of soggy ribbon,
Five chewed-up stockings,
Four broken window candles,
Three punctured ornaments,
Two leaking bubble lights,
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the eighth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
Eight tiny reindeer fragments,
Seven scraps of wrapping paper,
Six yards of soggy ribbon,
Five chewed-up stockings,
Four broken window candles,
Three punctured ornaments,
Two leaking bubble lights,
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the ninth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
My wreath in nine pieces,
Eight tiny reindeer fragments,
Seven scraps of wrapping paper,
Six yards of soggy ribbon,
Five chewed-up stockings,
Four broken window candles,
Three punctured ornaments,
Two leaking bubble lights,
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the tenth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
Ten Christmas cards I shoulda mailed,
My wreath in nine pieces,
Eight tiny reindeer fragments,
Seven scraps of wrapping paper,
Six yards of soggy ribbon,
Five chewed-up stockings,
Four broken window candles,
Three punctured ornaments,
Two leaking bubble lights,
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the eleventh day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
Eleven unwrapped presents,
Ten Christmas cards I shoulda mailed,
My wreath in nine pieces,
Eight tiny reindeer fragments,
Seven scraps of wrapping paper,
Six yards of soggy ribbon,
Five chewed-up stockings,
Four broken window candles,
Three punctured ornaments,
Two leaking bubble lights,
And the Santa topper from the Christmas tree.
On the twelfth day of Christmas my puppy gave to me,
A dozen puppy kisses...
And I forgot all about the other eleven days. |
Send Free SMS To Any Mobile In INDIA or broad
|
|
|
|
