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Two lawyers are in a bank... |
Two lawyers are in a bank, when armed robbers suddenly burst in. While several
of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand.
Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, “What is this?”
To which lawyer number one replies, “It's that $50 I owe you.” |
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Top Ten Signs You Need a New Bank |
Letterman's Top Ten Signs You're Doing Business With The Wrong Bank
10. When you make a deposit, tellers high-five each other.
9. After you get a free toaster, bank president shows up at your house begging for toast.
8. Your monthly statements are handwritten, in crayon.
7. When you want to make a withdrawal, clerks suddenly don't speak English.
6. You notice Kato Kaelin is sleeping in the vault.
5. Your safety deposit box is a Dunkin' Donuts carton wrapped in tin foil.
4. All cash deposits go directly into teller's pants.
3. Lobby is waist-deep in Mexican pesos.
2. Toll-free customer service line is: 1-800-GET-HOSED.
1. Four words: Bank President Rosa Lopez |
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The banker fell overboard ... |
The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat.
The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, "Can you float alone?"
"Obviously," the banker replied, "but this is a heck of a time to talk business." |
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Drive Through ATM Procedures |
Please note that Banks are installing new "Drive-through" teller machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up.
MALE PROCEDURE
* 1 Drive up to the cash machine.
* 2 Put down your car window.
* 3 Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
* 4 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
* 5 Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
* 6 Put window up.
* 7 Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE
* 1 Drive up to cash machine.
* 2 Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine.
* 3 Set parking Brake, Put the window down.
* 4 Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.
* 5 Turn the radio down.
* 6 Attempt to insert card into machine.
* 7 Attempt to insert card into machine.
* 8 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
* 9 Insert card.
* 10 Re-insert card the right side up
* 11 Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
* 12 Enter PIN.
* 13 Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
* 14 Enter amount of cash required.
* 15 Check make up in rear view mirror.
* 16 Retrieve cash and receipt.
* 17 Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
* 18 Place receipt in back of checkbook.
* 19 Re-check make-up again.
* 20 Drive forwards 2 feet.
* 21 Reverse back to cash machine.
* 22 Retrieve card.
* 23 Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
* 24 Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male drivers queuing behind.
* 25 Restart stalled engine and pull off.
* 26 Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
* 27 Release Parking Brake. |
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Customer Service |
| I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance ... she leaned over and pushed me. |
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The old lady in the bank |
A little old lady walked into the head branch of the Chase Manhattan
Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man
at the window that she wished to take the 3 million she had in the
bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though,
she wished to meet the president of Chase Manhattan Bank due to the
amount of money involved.
The teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and after
opening the paper bag and seeing the bundles of 1,000 bills which
amounted to right around 3 million, telephoned the bank's secretary
to obtain an appointment for the lady.
The lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's
office. Introductions were made and she stated that she would like
to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal
level. The bank president then asked her where she came into such a
large amount of money. "Was it an inheritance?" he asked. "No." she
answered. "Was it from playing the stock market?" "No." she
replied.
He was quiet for a minute, trying to think of where this little old
lady could possibly come into 3 million. "I bet." she stated. "You
bet?" repeated the bank president. "As in horses?" "No." she
replied, "I bet people."
Seeing his confusion, she explained that she justs bets on different
things with different people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet
you $25,
000.00 that by 10:00 o'clock tomorrow morning, your balls will be
square."
The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to
take her up on the bet. He didn't see how he could lose. For the
rest of the day, the bank president was very careful. He decided to
stay home that evening and take no chances; there was $25,
000.00 at stake.
When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to
make sure everything was okay. There was no difference- he looked
the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the
little old lady to come in at 10:00 o'clock, humming as he went. He
knew this would be a good day- how often do you get handed $25,
000.00 for doing nothing. At 10:00 o'clock sharp the little old
lady was shown into his office. With her was a younger man. When he
inquired as to the man's purpose for being there, she informed him
that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was
this much money involved.
"Well," she asked, "what about our bet?" "I don't know how to tell
you this," he replied, "but I am the same as I've always been only
$25,
000.00 richer." The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that
she be able to see for herself. The bank president thought this was
reasonable and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over
and then grabbed a hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine.
The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer standing across
the room banging his head against the wall.
"What' wrong with him?" he inquired. "Oh him," she replied, "I bet
him $100,
000.00 that by 10:00 o'clock this morning that I'd have the
president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls." |
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Chemistry song 07 |
Quantum Chemistry
On the first day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: An exam in Quantum Chemistry.
On the second day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: a double integral and an exam in Quantum Chemistry.
On the third day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: three orbitals, a double integral, and an exam in Quantum Chemistry.
On the fourth day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: four harmonic oscillators, three orbitals, etc.
On the fifth day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: Five Hermitian Operators! Four harmonic ocillators, three orbitals, etc.
On the sixth day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: six spin-orbit couplings, etc.
On the seventh day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: seven basis functions, etc.
On the eighth day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: eight time dependent perturbations, etc.
On the ninth day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: nine Slater determinants, etc.
On the tenth day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: ten electrons tunneling, etc.
On the eleventh day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: eleven photons emitting, etc.
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my professor gave to me: 12 fermions exchanging, etc.
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A banker decided to get his first tailor made suit |
A young banker decided to get his first tailor made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business.
As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tell me you were a banker?"
The young man answered, "Yes, I did."
To this the tailor said, "Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?" |
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Insufficient Funds |
A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!"
"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.
"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."
"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the state," he said. "there must be some mistake."
"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'." |
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Iraqi Banking |
An Iraqi goes to the bank to get his salary from a French Company. The Saudi manager of the bank asks him to sign on the back of the check.
"That's humiliation," shouts the Iraqi, "why should the French sign on the front and I sign on the back. I want my money NOW!"
The Saudi refuse to pay him and the Iraqi keeps shouting in the bank then the American high manager comes with a 5kg hammer and knocks the Iraqi on the head.
After 5 minutes the Iraqi wakes up, signs the back of the check and gets his money. The Saudi clerk goes to the Iraqi and asks, "Tell me why you didn't sign the check the first time but signed it later on?"
The Iraqi said, "You missed the point, you just told it to me, but the American explained it." |
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