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religious jokes
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God granting miracles

God v. The Devil - Genesis Revised?

In The Beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, And darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And so God created Man in His own image; Male and female He created them.

And God looked upon Man and Woman And saw that they were lean and fit. And God populated the earth With broccoli and cauliflower and spinach And green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, So Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And so the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man, "You want fries with that?"

And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained five pounds.

And so God created the healthful yogurt, That Woman might keep her figure. But the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained five pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "Why doth thou eatest thus? I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables And olive oil with which to cook them."

But the Devil brought forth chicken fried steak So big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds And his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And so God brought forth running shoes. And Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control So Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And so God brought forth the potato, A vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip.

And Man clutched his remote control And ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.

And the Devil saw and said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And the Devil cancelled Man's health insurance.

So God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken. And cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice. And the Devil created light beer So Man could poison his body, While feeling righteous because he had to drink

twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another 10 pounds.

And Woman ventured forth Into the land of Godiva chocolate, And upon returning asked Man, "Do I look fat?"

And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth."

And Man did.

And Woman went out from the presence of Man And dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, East of the marriage counselor.

And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

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Two Trouble Makers

Were You Gambling?

A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police raided the game. Turning to the priest, the lead police officer said, "Father Murphy, were you gambling?"

Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do." To the police officer, he then said, "No, officer; I was not gambling."

The officer then asked the minister, "Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?"

Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied, "No, officer; I was not gambling."

Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, "Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?"

Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, "With whom?"

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Pastor painting church
It seems that there was a little old church out in the countryside: painted white and with a high steeple.

One Sunday, the pastor noticed that his church needed painting. He checked out the Sunday ads and found a paint sale. The next day, he went into town and bought a gallon of white paint. He went back out to the church and began the job.

He got done with the first side. It was looking great. But he noticed he had already used a half gallon. He didn't want to run back in town and being the creative person that he was, he found a gallon of thinner in the shed out back, and began to thin his paint.

It worked out great. He finished the remaining three sides with that last half gallon of paint.

That night, it rained: it rained hard. The next morning when he stepped outside of the parsonage to admire his work, he saw that the first side was looking great, but that the paint on the other three sides had washed away.

The pastor looked up in sky in anguish and cried out, "What shall I do?"

A voice came back from the heavens saying, "Repaint, and thin no more!"

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Biblical Bumper Stickers
Adam: "You are what you eat."

Eve: "At least he doesn't compare me to his mother."

Abraham: "I'm goin' not knowin'."

Noah: "Honk if you believe in treading water."

Moses: "From a basket case to the promise land."

Elizah: "When Jezebel ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."

Balaam: "My second donkey talks!"

Prodigal Son: "All roads lead to home."

At the Sinai desert: "Winding road next 40 years"

At the Red Sea: "Caution! Subject to sudden flooding"
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The moment of truth!
A man goes to visit the grave of his mother, puts a beautiful bouquet at the headstone and gets up, to leave when he notices another man crying his heart out, lying on one of the graves in such a way, that he breaks the other man's heart.

The sobbing goes on and on and he hears the other say:
- Oh why? Why did you have to die!? Why did you go?
And then he breaks down sobbing again, hitting his head over the headstone, still crying:
-Oh why did you die!? Why did you go so soon?

Intringued, the other guy goes to him and says:
I'm so sorry for your loss, is there anything I can do for you?
Who is the person you are crying over so desperately, he asks, in compassion?

That's my wife's third husband, comes the reply, between sobs.
I'm number four.....
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Two Trouble Makers

What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?

Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull?

A: Jewelry.

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Try to help the people

Two Priests On Vacation

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and etc.

The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father" - "Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?

The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits-these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them-and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc.

After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.)

Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "Good morning, Father," "Good morning Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it and said. "Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?"

"Oh, Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Angela!"

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College Exam Plea

Dating for American nuns

The Vatican has finally bowed to the pressure from American clergy for reform.

A new policy approved by the Pope will soon be announced, accordingto a reliable source who spoke on condition of annonymity.

The American nuns will henceforth be permitted to go on a date but they must take a vow to wear "Cross Your Heart Bra" and "No Nonsense Pantyhose."

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College Exam Plea

Descending into hell!

A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trapdoor and announce, "I descend into hell!"

A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character would plunge through. The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place.

When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend.

One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"

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Learning information

Let's go for a dip

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in he world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

He sat down.

The head elder then stood and announced, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn 365, "Shall We Gather at the River."

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