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Feel Better |
Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.
She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me.. the whole world hates me!"
Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you." |
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The preacher is dying |
The sermon and little old ladyOnce there was a church and a fire breathing, Hell and damnation Preacher giving a sermon against all the evils of life. He said: "Down with gambling. Let us all stop gambling."
"AMEN, PREACHER, AMEN!" shouted a little ole lady down on the front row.
The Preacher shouted: "DOWN WITH DRINKING OF ALCOHOL!"
"AMEN, PREACHER, AMEN!" again shouted the little ole lady down in the front row.
In fact, every time the Preacher preached against the evil vices of man, like carousing, staying out late, uncleanliness, or swearing she would shout the same thing or a variation there of.
Now all at once the Preacher raised his voice even higher and shouted. "DOWN WITH TOBACCO AND SNUFF AND ALL THOSE DEVIL'S DEVISES TO RUIN THE HEALTH OF GOD'S CHILDREN!"
The little lady jumped up and stomped out of the church, and she could be heard saying: "Now he has gone too far and got into something that is none of His business. I just won't tolerate a nosey preacher." |
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Ponderings collection 27 |
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Corduroy pillows: they're making headlines!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
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Ponderings collection 13 |
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder Why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why Isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
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Nuns discussing drinks |
Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"
Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do *you* know, Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so"
"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"
"Don't be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"
"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, them no-one will know"
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar.
"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "... and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"
"Oh no! It's not that drunken Nun again is it?"
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The Great Debate |
The Great Debate: Is It Better To Be Single Or Married?
“It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
somebody to clean up after them!â€
-Lynette, age 9
“It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I’m just a
kid. I don’t need that kind of trouble.â€
-Kenny, age 7 |
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The preacher is dying |
True Confessions (risque)The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions.
The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand."
The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on, and I understand. How did you feel about that?'"
The new priest says those things.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit?!? What happened next?'" |
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Telling Some Stories |
Delivering a speech at a banquet on the night of his arrival in a large city, a visiting minister told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next day.
Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested the reporters to omit them from any accounts they might turn in to their newspapers.
A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece with the following: "The minister told a number of stories that cannot be published."
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The preacher is dying |
Traffic warden giving a parking ticket to a priestThe local priest returns to his car to find a traffic warden in the process of giving him a parking ticket.
Priest: "Hello there, you couldn't see you're way clear to forgetting about that could you, my son."
TW: "Sorry, farther, once I've started filling the form in I've got to finish"
Priest: "That's OK. It's my fault. I parked in the wrong place."
TW: "That's very good of you, we usually get all kinds of abuse in these circumstances."
Priest: "Wouldn't here of such a thing, after all it was my fault. We're having a tea party this weekend would you like to come?"
TW: "Well, that is good of you, farther. Yes, I'll be there. It's so refreshing to talk to someone who understands the position I'm in."
Priest: "Maybe you would like to bring you're mother and farther along, as well, and I could marry them!" |
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Top ten least popular self help books |
10. "Lie Your Sweet Ass Off And Become A Millionaire"
9. "Choking Coaches For The Soul" by Latrell Sprewell
8. "Combing! The Revolutionary New Way To Adjust Your Hair"
7. "How To Win Friends And Influence People In The Bus Station Men's Room"
6. "If You Want To Lose Weight, Just Stop Eating, You Fat Cow"
5. "George Michael's Do-It-Yourself Handbook"
4. "Five Simple Steps To Reducing All Human Problems To An Over-Generalized Formula"
3. "8 Weeks To A Sweatier You"
2. "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, At Least One Teletubby Is From The West Village"
1. "It's Hopeless" by Jack Kevorkian |
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